Date: 2018-02-14 14:28
MJ: Joseph used to beat us all the time and… (inaudible) dance… would… He would, he would just… get to me. And I bought into that, he was like, “Oh you put on a few pounds.” The only thing that I could control in my life, what with Motown… ’cause they tell you in the interviews, when we used to go on Carson or Mike Douglas or whatever back then, when we used to do interviews as the Jackson Five, you know when you’re in this kind of business they kinda like, they like…okay, girl… “Do you have a girlfriend?” “No.” Do this… You know got, it’s like, they dictate to you everything. What you wear, what you sing. ‘Cause back then we weren’t allowed to sing our own stuff and do our own stuff. They dictate to you what you can wear… If you’re on an interview, if you’re going on Carson, “This is what you say, this is what don’t say.” The only control I had over my life was eating. I had no control. We had no control. *clears throat* I didn’t, I didn’t… I wasn’t like my brothers. People, they’re angry and they take it out on others. I was angry and hurt, and I took it out on myself. And being brought up with Joseph and stuff like that… when we were rehearsing on 7855 where we used to live. It’s like, If I danced wrong, if I sang the wrong note, I’d get the hell beat out of me, I’d get thrown in the basement. So instead of taking that out on other people, I withdrew and I’d take it out on myself. There was nothing I could control in my life but my eating. And Joseph told me, “Oh, you’re… oh you have such a big nose.”
G: He told you you were too ?
MJ: Yes. When I was *censored*. “You look so, you don’t look like my *censored*. Your nose is so big,” and this and that. They used to call me Big Nose and stuff. And instead of retaliating on them, I just did it with myself.
G: Michael? Are you happy with your face?
MJ: Yeah. I’m happy with my face and stuff.
G: Are you happy you did all that surgery?
MJ: Yeah. Because I don’t wanna look like “ (inaudible)”[like that? Like him?]
G: Well, you don’t? (laughs)
MJ: I mean, people tell me, “Oh, yeah, you’re really Janet”. Or “Oh, (low voice) before LaToya posed nude.” Sayin’ “Toya and you is the same person and stuff.”
G: Who said that? (laughs)
MJ: Oh, god, it was in the media!
G: That’s just bad.
MJ: Toya even wrote that in Playboy. She said, “Well, at least I can put the rumor to rest that Michael and I aren’t the same person.”
MJ: And showin’ her breasts and stuff like that. Then they say, “Janet and Michael are the same person.”
G: (chuckle) That’s crazy.
Regret is never rooted in the past.. rgeert is always rooted in an unsatisfactory present. What is it about your present life that you find unsatisfying? Or are you depressed? Your statements about everybody and nobody indicate a mental processing scheme that is a *censored* off. you might be depressed and need help with that, quite separately from the question of being out or it possible that you are envious of the women around you who have overcome challenges? I am one of the women you talk about, married to a man before I realized I was gay, and I cry regularly at the years and years of pleasure I lost. Some of the women you are talking to who are so casual about that loss might be using their casualness to mask a very serious pain. Or they might have done their inner work, and be at a point where they really have integrated that experience in a wholesome way. But the point is, to be closeted is an experience of loss and darkness. That 8767 s why you resisted it so ferociously. The words it wasn 8767 t working , which are words I use to describe being straight, cover over years and years and years of alienation and suffering and loss. What is there to be jealous of in my experience of being closeted for so long? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That was my rocky road and I walked it. Maybe you are looking for your own challenge, but feeling scared about taking it on, so feeling jealous of the challenges of others that really would have been quite easy for you to manage. That could be a kind of convoluted way of both telling yourself what you need to know (., that there 8767 s a challenge you need to take on) and hiding it from yourself at the same time (it 8767 s someone else 8767 s challenge and one that actually would have been quite easy for you to have overcome, as evidenced by your own bravery so far). Maybe you wish that you were someone who had overcome a challenge (that is easy for you).In which case, the relevant question is what challenge are you avoiding right now? Drop the idea that overcoming it is going to be easy. Start engaging it. When you have struggled with your own darkness and prevailed, you will not be jealous of the darkness that others have engaged. You will know what the taste of darkness really is and you will have a sense of yourself as an accomplished person, and when others tell you their stories and seem casual you will know, from your own experience, that the pain others carry is unknowable and that it 8767 s best to focus on your own struggle because that 8767 s the only one you have any hope with. You will be able to offer true compassion to others because you will know the meaning that those casual words of suffering carry. All the comparison stuff is just a way of distracting yourself from the basic point of your own life. Figure out what your challenge is, and take it on as your own. Then one day you too will be able to talk easily about mountains you have overcome. you have to earn it.